When making big, life-changing moves, we all need people supporting our decisions, cheering us on, telling us we’re okay. Big, life-changing moves are scary, after all, even when based on logic.
As children, most of us had people encourage us to take another step even after we fell down, to get back on the bicycle despite the skid marks on our knees, to go ahead and jump into the deep end of the pool.
So now we’re all grown up, and planning a move to another country. It’s like contemplating a jump into really, really deep murky water of an unknown depth.
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Where’s our cheering section now? Who’s there saying, “you can do this!”
If you’re like most of the expats I hear from, when you tell family and friends you’re planning to expatriate the response is more likely to be “No! Don’t jump into that water, it’s full of crocodiles!”
In talking with my youngest daughter, who’ll be a freshman in college in a few weeks, I realized that my cheering section is actually my kids!
My mother has taken the news calmly. Other family and friends range from openly skeptical to downright discouraging. A few friends sort of understand.
But it’s from my children I hear comments like, “That’s really exciting.” “I think you’ll have a wonderful time.” “That makes a lot of sense.” And practical questions like, “How will you manage in a country where English isn’t the main language?” instead of, “You won’t be able to manage unless you speak Spanish fluently, and you don’t.”
My youngest “thinks it’s pretty cool.” She’s looking forward to having more interesting places to visit on vacations than most of her classmates. The only thing that upsets her is that when she comes “home” she won’t necessarily have her own familiar space any more.
My oldest son’s first thought when we discuss an international move is, “which country?” “Are you planning on learning the language?” is next. Reservations? None.
My older daughter, an extremely social young lady, has concerns about our social well being, and wonders whether we’ll be able to connect socially with people around us if there’s a language barrier. She doesn’t want us to be isolated, and as long as we’re happy, she’s happy.
From our middle son: “I think that’s great if you are making the plan together and it’s what you both want to do. I don’t want to let geography dictate opportunity for me or for you, so as long as you’re a plane ride away I’m happy.”
Our youngest son, who’s very unflappable, just absorbs and processes the information.
Who’s your cheerleader?
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Suzanna,
Why not sign up for a Spanish language class, or check out the Rosetta Stone program which having seen others who used it, I can say it’s quite good.
Also, do you belong to any international cultural groups? Some examples might be the Friendship Force (they have a chapter in most cities). If you can go to international type events in your city and develop a new internationally-minded group of supportive friends, this will be helpful.
The people who are negative now will most likely stay negative after you move. I found that those people would argue with me in emails things like, “You better move back home before you wind up dead,” or they would question my patriotism, or similar stuff. But NEVER did ANY of those people later turn positive.
I think you need to associate less with those people who are negative, and don’t share your dreams with them more than necessary. Associate MORE with those who are positive and supportive of your dream.
I’ve been taking Spanish classes, actually, preparatory to going, and plan to do some immersive studies once we arrive.
Mary, thanks for your comments.
As to negative people — some of the most negative are family, sadly. (Other than my kids, of course.)
I remember years ago when we were preparing to move from upstate NY to Florida, one of the people we knew from church told us we shouldn’t attempt it. “You’ll be back!” he told us seriously. That was 22 years ago. . .
Would love to associate more with supportive people. How/where to find them? Probably after we move to a different country and hang out with other expats. . .
I had to laugh when I read “I realized that my cheering section is actually my kids!”
My husband and I have lived overseas for much of our married life but at the moment we are back in the US waiting for further adventures abroad. Recently our married daughter said: “I’m happy of course that you are nearby now, but I’d like it if you were overseas again because then we could come and visit you there.”
Suzanna,
My family was also among the most negative, and I understand. Most likely those same family members will continue to be negative even after you move. Their objective isn’t to learn about your experience and look at it in a reasonable way; their objective is to CHANGE YOUR MIND until you THINK LIKE THEM. Most of these people will challenge your patriotism or try any method they can, and continue doing that even after you move. Even if they are family (unless huband or children) I suggest reducing your contact with them. If they are your own children, perhaps it’s time to stop discussing this particular topic with them (and hopefully it’s not your own children). I’m guessing it’s probably brothers and sisters, or parents, or cousins, nieces, nephews…most of these negative people are operating from a place of FEAR of other cultures, languages, and values (ways of thinking). Most of these people aren’t much interested in international events, either.
Is there any kind of a Spanish-language center in your city? That might be a start for finding some internationally-minded friends. Do check out the Friendship Force (try Google and see if they have a chapter in your city). They are generally positive people who enjoy international people and travel.
Best regards,
Expat 21