Last week I decided to post some items we’re selling on Facebook Marketplace. Little did I know that the “sharing” choices are different for Marketplace ads than for regular status updates, and that difference caused an uproar in the family.
My in-laws have steadfastly refused to discuss our plans to become expats. It’s the unspoken elephant in the room.
We’ve found this refusal enormously frustrating, and I know she’s frustrated, too.
Anyway. . . back to the story. . .
We’ve been trying to sell off a lot of stuff, mostly on Craigslist. This time, I thought I’d add some items to Marketplace as well. That’s when the proverbial stuff hit the fan.
My MIL saw the listings. First she called our oldest daughter and tried (unsuccessfully, I’m glad to say) to drag her into the middle of it. Next she called my husband, berated him soundly, then declared she was too upset to talk any more and hung up.
Aren’t families wonderful?
The Elephant in the Room
You know the old story about the three blind men and the elephant? Sure you do. They’re asked to describe an elephant, and each one describes something completely different. One feels its tusks and describes mighty swords, the next feels its leg and describes a strong tree while the third gets hold of the tail and thinks he’s got a snake.
So I decided to write a letter to my MIL describing the elephant from our point of view.
I’m hoping it will pave the way for her to talk with us about our decision to move overseas, but I’m not holding my breath.
I’ll let you know how it turns out.
It’s Your Life — Not Your Parents’, Kids’ or Friends’ Lives
Only you can make the big decisions in your life. Marriage, divorce, birth, adoption, job changes, moves, you do your research, you examine your heart, you weigh the pros and cons and you make your decision.
Your parents, although they may love you to pieces, don’t live your life. They don’t walk in your shoes or sleep in your bed. Same with your kids, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends and coworkers.
It’s nice if they support your decisions, but not all of them will. When that happens, you need to graciously allow them their thoughts and feelings, share yours with them if you can, and move on.
I’m hoping this letter will open a dialog with my MIL, but I can’t force it or insist on it. I’m hoping it will give her the information she needs to understand our plans better, but I’m not counting on it.
We need to do the right thing for us, for our reasons. And so do you. And so does my MIL.
How do you cope with family who don’t support your decisions?
Photo by kevin j on flickr
Great post!
When my husband and I made the decision to move to Argentina from the States six years ago, to say the least, the response was a mixed bag of positive and negative. Some in the family were excited for us. For example, I was scared to let my grandparents know. They had helped raised me, and they were the most important older people in my life. They, and I, were very aware that old age was progressing and me leaving the country meant less time for us to be together. But their response was one of pure delight for us, and joking comments of joining in on the adventure, “Why don’t we just come down with you kids and help out on the farm (we had bought a wine vineyard in Mendoza). I can do some rockin’ and rollin’ in the rocking chair while I drink your wine!” joked my grandpa.
To say the least, their support helped the load of moving abroad seem lighter.
The one place I was surprised to find resistance was from our large circle of friends. Many couples were starting to have children, and a few of our longtime buddies let us know in no-uncertain-terms that they weren’t excited that we were not participating in the “way we were supposed to act” as a newly-married couple in our early 30s. We were supposed to be joining in on the baby fest and start a family — not move abroad to a poor, and desolate farm town.
As I look back, I have to say, you are right on the money…it is your life. Do what your heart tells you to do. I’m sure glad we did. Foreign life has made living much more vibrant, open and exciting.
Shanie, your grandparents sound totally cool. Did they ever visit you in Argentina?
I think sometimes friends get jealous when you leave the path you’ve been on with them. They wish they had the guts to step out and do something different, so they do everything they can to yank you back into line.
Kudos to you for having the courage to follow your own path and not someone else’s.